The Paua Palace

My royal blog, life, opinions and me, it’s all about ME.. Right?

Nobody’s Child

Posted by pauaprincess on April 25, 2007

Back in the early 70’s, there was a song I strongly identified with, it was called nobody’s child.  The chorus went…

I’m nobody’s child, nobody’s child
Just like a flower, I’m growing wild
No Mommies kisses, no Daddies smiles
Nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child.

In my darkest days between the ages of 6 and 9, that’s how I felt.

I remember the day my father left.  In the days leading up to him going, my parents had been fighting.  My Mother would go off, flying at my father trying to scratch his face and hit him.  She’d run to the bathroom grabbing pills and he would race after her trying to stop her, they’d wrestle in the doorway, him holding her wrist shaking the pill bottles from her grasp, her hitting at him with her free hand, scratching him with her nails.  I would take my little brothers into their bedroom and we would sit with our backs up against the door, holding each other, crying.

One day, when the yelling and banging was over, I left my brothers in their room and crept out.  I found my Dad in my parents room, his overnight case open on the bed, he was pulling his ties off the tie rack I got him for fathers day. 

What are you doing Daddy?

He was crying, he told me he had to leave, he had to go or something bad might happen. 

I cried.  Take me too Daddy, please take me with you. 

He cried even more, I can’t sweetheart, I don’t know where I am going, I’ve nowhere to take you.

He left, me and my brother’s sat and cried.  We didn’t know what was happening, we didn’t know why, we just knew our Daddy was gone.

I don’t much remember my mother hugging me, ever.  I know she must have, but when I was a child, I got all my love from Dad.  I suffered deeply, my mother knew she could hurt me by telling me he left me, he didn’t care about me.  I think this was worse than the physical abuse. 

I lived in survival mode for 3 years, I took care of my brothers, did what I could to avoid my mothers rages.  I missed so much, I missed school and when I was at school I was bullied because my mother didn’t take care of us  I was hungry and I smelled, I was small and scrawny with buck teeth, just ripe for kids to hassle.  I hated school, I hated home.  The only bright spots were the visits to my fathers home and weekly visits at my maternal grandmothers.  When I got home my mother punished me for those visits too.

I stole food, truely.  I confessed to my father years later.  He said he knew.

I’ve got all the papers, the bills from the lawyers, copies of affadavits sworn to the court by neighbours, my grandmother, my father about how my mother was mistreating us.  I know how he tried to get us, if not custody he tried for more visitation and she obstructed him at every turn.  We became weapons in her hands.  But it was the 70’s, there were no advocates for the children, as far as the courts were concerned, we should stay with our mother, that is what was best.

I really don’t know why I am writing this now.  It’s 30 years on.  I’m a wife and mother myself.  I’ve been married longer than my parents were, my children are happy, healthy and there is always food for them to eat, clean clothes for them to wear.  My life is good, I turned out ok.  At least I think I did. 

Sometimes I worry, I worry when I am angry at the children or the Prince, that perhaps I am like her, maybe, maybe I will go off like she does.  When my children have tantrums, I worry that they are like her, will I be worrying one day that my grandchildren are like her?

Some days it’s easy and some days it isn’t.  Mostly I don’t think about those years, I am not sure why I am dwelling on this now.  I cry for the little girl I was at 6 and the girl I was at 9.  Three years seems like so little time, barely a 10th of my current span, but those 3 years, left a mark I guess. 

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13 Responses to “Nobody’s Child”

  1. Louise said

    Wow, this post made me think not only of my own dysfunctional abusive childhood.

    But it reminded me of who I am now, an alienated mother of five children.

    Four of which I have not seen in over five years, due to a relentless abusive estranged husband.

    I wake up each morning to continue the fight for my children!

    In my fight I was forced to educate myself on personally disorders, and law.

    I have found out that where I came from (An abusive childhood) led me to where I am today, and until I healed from my childhood nightmares I couldn’t become the person I am today.

    I sympathize with your story, but I’m so happy your in a great place now.

    Louise

  2. Louise I hope it gets better for you and I am glad you are fighting for your children. It made no end of difference to know my father fought for us. When my youngest brother saw all the paperwork that the lawyers had written, he was at peace, he’d alays felt abandoned even though he was a baby at the time, he had no real memory of what had gone on and was poisoned by our mother.

  3. […] mother would want to wreck her child’s well being? PauaPrincess tells you about the woman who gave birth to her, and of why she is what she is, not because of her mother, but in spite of her. You’re brave […]

  4. […] who has read my nobody’s child post knows that in our family, it was my mother with the anger issues.  Yet, 30 yrs later, she […]

  5. joanne prior said

    you are intelligent, caring and I am sure you will never repeat the horrible experiences you had because you understand the hurt and clearly do not want the cycle to continue…good on you sister!.

  6. Thank you, I hope you are right 🙂

  7. […] of course, I had nobody’s child.  For a time, I felt as though I was that neglected […]

  8. WickedWildNWise said

    I too had that song as my mantra throughout childhood & am just now tryin to find the female artist who sang it, I have all the lyrics (well remembered) but can’t find the female singer who sang it 😦

    Oh & as for time makin it better….yea to a point, I mean once you’re an adult it is YOUR turn to direct YOUR own life so takin the past without dwellin on it & usin the knowledge gained for the future is basically how I dealt with it & raised 2 kids VERY differently to my own childhood apart from the odd (learned behaviours). Yea ya get over it…but ya never forget

  9. I have a version by Karen Young. No you don’t forget.

  10. andy said

    the song you mentionis Nobody’s Child by Karen Young an american Actress / singer. if you can’t find it drop me an email and i’d reply with the song attached in mp3 format. ok

  11. My heart goes out to anyone who believes that he or she is nobodys child. Children are a gift. A most precious gift to be cherished and loved.

    Margaret

  12. Wow enjoyed reading your blogpost. I added your feed to my google reader!

  13. Marketing said

    Marketing…

    […]Nobody’s Child « The Paua Palace[…]…

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