The Paua Palace

My royal blog, life, opinions and me, it’s all about ME.. Right?

New Zealand for beginners…

Posted by pauaprincess on July 5, 2007

 This was sent to me, it amused me, irreverent and inaccurate as it is, I decided to share it with you. Be aware of the colourful language 🙂 Enjoy!

Next time someone asks you about NZ, just give ’em this….

Zealand is situated the same distance eastwards from Australia as London is to Moscow. So if anybody tells you it’s right next Australia, tell them to piss off. It is bigger than Connecticut, but smaller than Canada.

There are two main islands – The North Island and The South Island.  There are also about a zillion other islands dotted around and about, none of which should concern you. The South Island is slightly bigger than the North Island and South Islanders that refer to themselves as “Mainlanders” are wankers.

All you need know when travelling in New Zealand is:
North Island = beaches
South Island = mountains
And don’t go to Dannevirke, you’ll hate it.

The largest city in New Zealand is Auckland, which has a population of approximately 1,200,000 people, many of whom own Holdens (see below).

The capital is Wellington, which is really boring and windy so don’t go there.

The fourth largest New Zealand city is called Bondi, a suburb of Sydney. It has more New Zealanders in it than Hamilton.

Lake Taupo, situated in the centre of the North Island, is very big, but smaller than Texas, has fewer guns but more trout.

The worst place in New Zealand goes by the tantalising and evocative name of Bulls: population two men and a dog. It has achieved its dubious distinction by having the bones of stranded hitch hikers scattered along all points of degrees. It is a shithole; if you manage to escape it within five hours

I was recently told about the perfect NZ tourist’s map. It is a world map produced by an English publisher for use in schools, probably in the 1940’s or ’50s. It has three New Zealand cities marked on it – Auckland, Wellington and Bennydale. Go to Bennydale… it’s choice! Mollusc’s dad got beaten up by a big Maori woman in the Bennydale pub in 1976.

If you’re a Crowded House or Split Enz fan, a pilgrimage to Te Awamutu is essential. You will see why Split Enz split, and why Neil Finn now lives in Melbourne.

Hamilton is a strange place – very foggy in winter. If you are hitchhiking in the area and somebody offers you a lift “as far as Hamilton”, you can guarantee you will end up walking from one side of town to the other. This will:

a) take about two hours, and
b) not endear you to any part of the stinky, boring, flat, green Plains of the Waikato.


Many years ago a bloke called Maui went fishing with his brothers, using his grandmother’s jawbone as a fish hook (apparently his grandmother’s jaw fell off through overuse…. an object lesson in verbosity). He caught a fish and hauled it to the surface. It was a big fish… like really, REALLY big. About as big as the North Island. In fact, if the truth be told, it WAS the North Island. But that’s okay, because Maui’s canoe was pretty large as well…. as big as The South Island (get the picture?)Maui’s brothers, seeing the size of the fish, became jealous and laid into it with their meres and axes and shit, thus conveniently terra-forming it into a fairly rugged bit of heavily forested fish (or land, as geologists prefer to call it). A bit after that, in a huge migration from Hawaiiki probably no relation), the Maori people arrived in this new land of Aotearoa, The Land of The Long White Cloud.

After spending about 1000 years not inventing the internal combustion engine, nuclear weapons, those horrible guttering systems which get clogged up with leaves and twigs and dead sparrows and need to be cleaned out every six months; or Unix, the country was colonised (invaded) by Europeans, bringing blankets, muskets, whaling ships, God, syphilis, tuberculosis and guttering systems. The Maoris, overwhelmed by the European’s staggering generosity, occasionally went berko and killed some of the settlers, but to no avail. By 1840, the Treaty of Waitangi – popularly advertised as New Zealand’s founding document – was signed by the Governor of New Zealand (representing Queen Vicky of England) and various Maori chiefs, representing each tribe. After another thirty years of bloodshed, things began to settle down a little bit and the real business of farming sheep and building towns like Bulls could begin in earnest. Bulls was built. It still exists today.

The capital was moved from Russell to Auckland to Wellington to London to Washington. There was speculation during the 1940’s that the new capital might be Berlin or Tokyo, but such rumours were unfounded in the cold impartial light of military superiority and nuclear weapons.

World War One came, and with it came the battle of Gallipoli, in which heaps of Kiwis and Aussies got dropped on the wrong beach by a Pommie Bastard who was probably marinating his brain in gin at the time. A battle that should have lasted about twelve hours lasted six months, and cost Gunner Spinley (Mollusc’s granddad) his billy can, which stopped a Turkish bullet.

World War Two rolled around, and thousands more Kiwis died displaying the refreshing lack of self-preservation that Allied High Command was so enamoured with. The score stands at New Zealand two, Germany nil.

The French blew up a Greenpeace ship, The Rainbow Warrior, in Auckland in 1985. We now like the French slightly less than we did before. However, due to the fact that we export dairy products and beef and lamb to France, we don’t dislike them enough to really do anything about it.



Holden is an Australian car manufacturer, a subsidiary of General Motors (actually now owned by Toyota). Most Australians either don’t know this, or don’t care. The classic New Zealand car is a very old grey Holden station wagon, with shot suspension and dodgy brakes. They are Popular because they are cheap (because they are crap) and have big engines, which may or may not be V8s. We don’t know, nor care. We are cyclists, who dislike most cars and hate Holdens.


Woollen bush shirts and jackets made by Swanndri NZ Ltd. Very waterproof, scratchy, rugged, warm and make you look like a mass murderer when hitch hiking.


North Americans may be unfamiliar with this phenomenon. A pie is a savoury hors d’ouvres pastry thing, but three times the size, filled with meat (from whence it originated we can only guess) and with a lid on. The worst pies in New Zealand can be had for NZ$1.60 a piece at a grimy, smelly, cockroach-infested petrol station by Lake Karapiro. Coming a close second are the infamous Putrid Pies of Panmure (a suburb of Auckland). They seem to be available from all the bakeries – do not touch them, they are the source of all evil. There are some quite nice pies in Queenstown, but we really hate Queenstown, and this ruins the whole pie eating experience for us. There are also some quite nice pies in Onehunga (south Auckland).  However, it should be noted that pies can never be rated at anything above “good”. Also, pie criticism is one of the most subjective things imaginable

3 egg whites
1 teaspoon vinegar
3 tablespoons cold water
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
1 cup castor sugar
3 teaspoons cornflour
Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add castor
sugar gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add vinegar,
vanilla and cornflour. Place on grease paper on greased tray and bake
at 150 degreesC (300 F) for 45 minutes, then leave to cool in the oven.
(Courtesy of The Edmond’s Cookbook (naturally) this is a real recipe).

This recipe never works, nor does any other recipe for pav, except this one: You need $15; Bicycle; Carrier bag
Ride bicycle down to the supermarket, 
purchase pavlova with $15,   
place in carrier bag.
Ride home. Remove pavlova from carrier bag, place in cold oven.
When guests arrive, remove from oven and say,
“Look at this pav I just made!”

Any Australians, South Africans, Yugoslavians or Tibetans who tell you that the pav was invented in their country are full of shit and are not to be believed.

the end.


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