The Paua Palace

My royal blog, life, opinions and me, it’s all about ME.. Right?

Domestic Violence, the war at home

Posted by pauaprincess on July 25, 2007

I’ve just spent the past two hours with a neighbor. Her meth smoking partner hit her tonight, she’s got some nice scratches and bruising on her cheek.  She was convinced by another neighbor to seek my assistance.  I helped someone in the neighborhood evict a border once, now I am the neighborhood go to gal, it would seem.

I couldn’t help her.

I listened to her tell me about her partner, how paranoid he is, how he never used to be this way, how her 5 year old is sick and she’s tired and she can’t cope with his rage. Round and round in circles we went.  I suggested Women’s Refuge, for counseling and legal assistance, the Police.  I asked her if she deserved this? If she deserved this life? If her daughter deserved this? The answer was no, but it was said without conviction.

I went back to her house with her, after he’d left to check the damage to make sure he’d gone and see what he’d taken.  He came back while we were there.

He went to the first neighbors, ripped their 5 yr old out of the bed she was in and took her back down to the house, he shut the door behind him and I knew he wasn’t leaving. 

We regrouped.  I told her only she could do this, that I felt he was there and had no plans to leave, it would take the police to remove him.  She asked what she should do, I told her I could only tell her what I would do.  I’d have the police come and remove him, I’d go to women’s refuge and to court, I’d get every order available to make sure he couldn’t hurt me or my little girl again… but that, is what I would do. 

She had to decide what she wanted to do.  It would have been easy to take control.  But is that what a controlled person needs?

We went back to the house, she was afraid to go alone.  They argued while he held the 5 yr old!  I bit my tongue, almost through I swear, trying not tell him he was a number of things for hitting a woman and abusing her while he held her child.  I so badly wanted to tell him what I thought of  him.  How cops handle this is beyond me, I mean what a man! What a big effing man!  I don’t know how I stayed silent, I really don’t.  But I did.  I just stood there.

He asked who I was, far less politely than that I might add, who knew it took at least 3 “f” words and a c u next tuesday to enquire after someones identity?  I told him my first name, from up the road and I am here helping x.  Helping her how? (I’m sure you can add in the swearing for yourselves, you’ve been around right?) I told him I was just being a friend.  He pushed me out of the house.  I didn’t resist, not looking to get assaulted myself and I had no rights, his house he has a defence, he was just using justifiable force to remove a trespasser.   I’d have no defence. 

The end result, after some quiet words on the deck, I asked her what she wanted, if she wanted me to stay, I would.  If she wanted me to go I would.  She elected for me to leave, I told her she knew where I was if she needed me again. 

Before I left, I asked him to do one thing for me, he swore at me some more.  I said to him, please don’t do this in front of xxx (the child), I’ve been her, it’s horrible.  He had the grace to cast his eyes downward at his little girl, and mutter what I took to be assent.

I went home to my Prince, waiting anxiously outside the house.  I’d called him on the way down there.  He was pacing in case he had to run to my aid and or perhaps he thought I’d beat the crap out of the asshole down the road and get in trouble?  I felt like I could, I was that angry.  I let that son of a female dog, call me words I’ve never let another person, male or female call me,  I let him push me physically!  just to help her.  If the Prince ever spoke to me that way, he’d be kissing concrete before the words finished leaving his mouth.  But he knows better, he’s a decent human being and wouldn’t dream of using that kind of language to me.

I told him I couldn’t help her, she’s not afraid enough to leave him and too afraid to at the same time. 

I could have had police there in minutes, I could have shown them her battered face and said she’d told me and another neighbor he’d hit her. I could have taken control and had his ass in jail.  But what would it achieve?  She needs to do it herself.

Besides if I had taken control…

She’d never come to me for help again, she wouldn’t come when it mattered, when he might really kill her or their child.  She’d take him straight back and turn dog on the cops when it came to the court case and fail to press the charges home.  I could see it all so clearly. 

I wanted to though.  I wanted her to say, do it, call them, get his ass in jail.  But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t help her, not tonight.  But maybe someday, I will, she knows where she can find me.

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3 Responses to “Domestic Violence, the war at home”

  1. Kelly said

    Scary scary stuff…. good on you for being there. I’m not so sure I could. I sincerely hope she finds the strength to do what she needs to do. Take care.

  2. Kathryn said

    surprised you didn’t deck him!! Such control and so proud you kept safe. As you say, she will have to decide when it is enough.


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